national lampoon's mormon family vacation...

...sort of. I suppose the traditional Mormon Family Vacation would be to go to Utah. I suppose the truly orthodox walk. But what if you live in Utah? Oh! I know! Drive across the country with kids and no husband! Great idea! Be gone for six weeks! How would I know about this, I wonder...?

We (kids & I) left on Saturday, May 28th, the day after li'l ~j. finished her year of kindergarten. Darin was to stay home, work on his doctorate homework, get adjusted to new BYU job (lest any of you think that his new job means he left the byu), tie up loose ends at old BYU job, scout, chop wood at girls' camp, and do whatever else - mainly the doctorate thing. Technically, I was not alone for most of the drive east - Nicole (my brother's wife's sister) and Aubry (Nicole's roommate, and my friend - they both are) were driving behind me in Nicole's car. Darin was with us for the drive west.

Day 1: Goal - to make it to Cheyenne. Didn't make a hotel reservation on Memorial Day Weekend. Oops. No vacancies. Finally found one somewhere in Nebraska.

Day 2: Goal - drive. Slept in Iowa.

Day 3: Goal - Madison, Wisconsin, home of James & Monica (aforementioned brother & wife). Slept in their apartment.

Day 4: James was supposed to have driven Aubry to Chicago so that she could catch her flight back to SLC, but I (and kids) ended up doing that because - oops! - Monica went into labor! (Just joking, Ca - we had so much fun at IKEA.) Little Eliza Lynne Noonan was born that night, but I will let Monica tell that story when she starts her own blog.

Day 5: We got to see Baby Ellie at the hospital. She's a screamer, like li'l ~j. was (IS!!!).

Day 6: Goal - Toledo, Ohio. Aubry was gone, and Nicole stayed in Wisconsin, so this was just me and my girls. We reached Toledo and, well...only four more hours to Jamestown...so we went for it, and arrived in NY by sunset.

**lots of stuff happened in this section of our chronology, but this is a travel blog, so you can read about other adventures in past and future blogs**

Day 35: (same day as nail salon adventure) The girls and I shuffle off to pick up Darin at the Buffalo airport. No wife was happier to see her husband, nor girls their Papi, than we that day. We went to Palmyra, where folks were busy setting up and getting ready for the Pageant. If you have never seen the Hill Cumorah Pageant, put it on your to-do list and go. I don't care if you're not a mormon. It's spectacular. (I especially recommend it to those who think seeing the Manti Pageant is a fine experience - that'll learn ya.) We hiked up the hill, saw a snake, hiked down the hill, drove to the Temple and the Sacred Grove, taking pictures all the while, so that we can scrapbook them when we get home. Li'l ~j. wanted to see "the hole where Joseph Smith found the plates", and we told her that we don't know where that is. She looked for it anyway, to no avail. She also wanted to have her own personal heavenly visitation, and, had I not been there, she may have gotten that wish.

Days 36 & 37: My 10-year high school reunion; again, stuff for other blogs.

Day 38: Goal - Columbus, Indiana. We stopped in Kirtland (not Kirkland), Ohio. Ever been there? BOR-ING. Just outside of Cincinnati, we stopped at a Wendy's to use the restroom, and a woman in the parking lot, looking at our license plate, said, "Utall? Y'all drivin' all the way to Utall?" Yep, I told her, we sure were. "What city ya goin' through?" City? Well, I told her, we'll go through Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, Missouri, Kansas and Colorado, and then we'll be in Utah. "Oh - I thought you was goin' through Texas." Nope, we're not, I said. "How 'bout St. Louis? Goin' through St. Louis?" No, I thought, but Maybe is what I said. "Oh, good - you're real close, then." Columbus brought a fun-filled night of fireworks and facials with our friends-that-are-family, the Warnicks.

Day 39: Goal - Greencastle, Indiana; not a lofty goal, it being fewer than two hours away from Columbus. We stayed with my cousin Heather and her family. Lots of cousins, kids, sand, and pizza. More facials. And jewelry.

Day 40: Goal - Hotel reservation in Nowhereville, Missouri, after making two specific stops. First stop, Carthage, Illinois, where Joseph Smith and his brother Hyrum were killed. Wow. That place really commands reverence. Li'l ~j. was way into it, all the time fearing that a mob would bust in on us at any second. Curly, on the other hand, was less interested in the history and more interested in the locks on the doors. She fished a tiny luggage lock key out of her purse and tried it in every door she could find. In the martyrdom room, she was doing just this when she began to whimper and panic. I rushed to her aid to find that the tiny key had been shoved into the lock of the door - THE door, the one with the bullet holes. As far as we know, it's still there. If you're there any time soon, take a look and let me know. Also this day, we went to Nauvoo, Illinois. Went to the blacksmith's place in the old village, where we got rings that were actually bent nails (Darin fondly remembers getting one of these when he was a boy). The visitors' center is nice; didn't have time to go to the garden with the statues in it, but I'd love to return some day, if just to spend time there. The sun was setting as we went to the Temple, and the view was really beautiful, which surprised me because, you know...it's the Mississippi River. That night, our Best Western turned out to be Joe's-Motel-Recently-Purchased-By-Best-Western. Gross.

Day 41: Goal: Not to throw my children out the window. We went to Adam-Ondi-Ahman, which I first visited 14 years ago during my first EFY, and which is one of my favorite places on the planet. Go, if you can stand the drive. Next we went to Liberty, Missouri, to see Liberty Jail. At the beginning of the tour/presentation, Superstar loudly filled her diaper. Li'l ~j. & Curly were acting like barbarians - or, acting their age and as if they'd been in a van for too much of their young lives. We left mid-tour, scrapped the idea of going to Independence, and rushed to Overland Park, Kansas, to stay with our friends, JuanCarlos and Tara Avena. It was a very relaxing visit, while our kids played with their kids, and together, they tortured their cat.

Day 41: Goal - Get to Lakewood, Colorado. Think about that: East Kansas to Denver. That is one effin long boring drive. Although one thing of note: I don't think two states that touch each other are more different in landscape than Kansas and Colorado. While an August drive through Kansas on I-70 brings huge fields of lovely sunflowers, July just has the same old pornographic billboards with no sunflowers. We watched way too much SpongeBob that day. Excellent Best Western in Lakewood, CO; I believe it saved our lives.

Day 42: Goal: get home. I-70 just west of Denver is God's country. Breathtaking. So beautiful, I hardly noticed that I was paying $2.65 for a gallon of gas in Vail. And the bicyclists! Hundreds, if not thousands of people on bikes. I wondered how they must be feeling as I complained about my foot getting all crampy from having to drive up those passes. Right after the resort towns, we hit what I'll call Utah's Death Valley, which began in Western Colorado and ended in...Springville.

When I walked into my kitchen, I almost cried. It was as if I was part of the No-Arm family, and Ty Pennington had just given me my dream house, where everything is exactly suited to compensate for the fact that we have no arms. It was perfect, my new house. The smell, the look - everything looked brand new, and I couldn't wait to familiarize myself with it all.

Then I left for a few hours, because I had been with my kids every minute for six weeks.