My dad is an elementary school gym teacher and has been for about a hundred years or so. Every single day, he tells the kids a joke. Every day. Here's my favorite (well, not my favorite-favorite -- my favorite-favorite is the horse-walks-into-a-bar joke; this is my favorite of the jokes my dad tells to the kids):
What did the zero say to the eight?
"Nice belt."
Know any other good jokes?
None appropriate enough for this forum.
ReplyDeleteIf Adam and Eve were Chinese - they would still be in the Garden of Eden because they would have ignored the apple and eaten the snake. (Joke my Daddy tells)
ReplyDeleteWhat's a fly without wings?
ReplyDeleteA walk.
and. . .
Knock, knock?
Who's there?
Interruptting cow
Interruptting cow who? (you have to say the punch line as they are saying this. . .)
MOOOOOO!
Thank you. . .thank you very much.
What did one wall say to the other?
ReplyDeleteMeet you at the corner!
(hilarity ensues)
What do you get when you goose a ghost?
ReplyDeleteA handful of sheet!
What did the elephant say to the naked man?
ReplyDeleteHow do you breathe outta that thing?!?!?!?
And....
What's the difference between mashed potatoes and pea soup?
Anyone can mash potatoes.
(My taste in jokes is so imbecilic!)
A handful of sheet... LOVE IT!
ReplyDeleteHere's my latest that you've all heard me tell:
Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella?
Fo' drizzle.
(ba-dum-dump)
Nice belt! Hardy har har har!
ReplyDeleteWhy is six afraid of seven?
ReplyDeletecuz seven eight nine.
I love feeling like I'm back in third grade again!
Osama Bin Laden is killed and makes it through the pearly gates. He's very excited for his 72 virgins and all that paradise holds.
ReplyDeleteHe's standing at the pearly crossroads trying to decide which direction to head in when George Washington appears, slaps him in the face, and walks off. Osama rubs his face a little, wondering what that was all about. Thomas Jefferson appears immediately and slaps Osama again. Before Osama can react, James Madison comes from his left and decks him.
Osama slinks back to St. Peter and asks, "What is going on here?" St. Peter shrugs and says, "Mistranslation, you get 72 Virginians."
I'm a big fan of Steven Wright, the deadpan comedian:
ReplyDeleteIs "tired old cliche" one?
and
The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked,
"Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."
and
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Find some nice little person and sweetly ask them "How do you sell a deaf guy a chicken?"
ReplyDeleteThey ask "how?"
Leap up into their face and yell as loud as humanly possible,
"DO YOU WANT TO BUY A CHICKEN???!!"
Gets em every time. Funniest joke I know.
I Love Steven Wright!
ReplyDelete"I have a life-sized map of the United States.
Yesterday I folded it up."
what's green and goes up?
ReplyDelete(*sniffle*)
that was my favorite joke of dad's. there was one time dad had a substitute and the kids told the substitute that mr. noonan always tells jokes at the end of class. so the sub did just that. and it was dirrrrty. luckily, there was a new kid on his first day. so he went home and told his parents. next day... dad was being called into brenda's office.
hey ~j? what's this? (my two index fingers are positioned next to each other and slowly moving away from each other)
ha ha... very funny. next time just give me the onion chopper.
ReplyDeletejust kidding. that was me.
ReplyDeleteWhy did the bee get SO mad?
ReplyDeleteYou'd be mad too if someone stole your honey and nectar.
My husband's favorite:
ReplyDelete"Why do monkeys have big nostrils?
Because they have big fingers".
A guy walked into a bar.........
ReplyDelete"Ouch!"
My two all-time faves:
ReplyDelete1. What is long and brown and sticky?
A stick.
2. how do you circumcise a whale?
You have to send down foreskin divers.
knock knock?
ReplyDeleteWho's there?
Freep.
Freep who?
Actually that Steven Wright joke with the map ends with, "Last summer I folded it."
ReplyDeleteSome kid jokes I love:
What did one math book say to the other math book?
Man, I got a lot of problems.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
It was feeling crummy.
What is a caterpillar afraid of?
A doggerpillar.
Some Emo Philips jokes I love:
The toughest time in anyone's life is when you have to murder a loved one because they're the devil.
--
I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners."
--
When I was a kid I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised that The Lord doesn't work that way. So I stole one and asked him to forgive me.
My husband's favorite joke:
Do you know how long cows are milked?
The same as short cows.
A rope walks into a bar, sits down and orders a beer.
ReplyDeleteThe bartender takes one look at him, tells him "we don't serve ropes!" and tosses him out.
The rope messes up his hair, ties himself all up and goes back into the bar. He orders a beer.
The bartender looks at him and says "hey...aren't you the rope that was just in here?"
"Nope" the rope says "Fraid 'not"