formerly phread

It's 1:30 am, Christmas Day, 2007. Everything is finished and ready to go downstairs. Li'l ~j. is awake in her room, and has been for about an hour or so (and that's after having gone to bed later than usual and waking up twice before). I wish she'd go back to sleep, but I can't blame her for being excited. I told her that Santa can't come if I'm awake, and I won't go to sleep until she does. *sigh*

I have a raging headache and lots of anxiety. With each pregnancy, I knew what the baby's gender was even before I was told. Even with li'l ~j., and we "waited" until she was born because we wanted the surprise. But I knew. I've always known. But not this time, and it's stressing me out. In a few hours we'll learn this baby's gender, and before we do, I wanted to chronic(what)cle what my feelings about it have been thus far.

Knowing full well that I wanted to have a baby sooner than later, I just kind of always thought that this next one would be a boy . . . that is, until, I learned I was pregnant. It was then that I admitted that I truly had/have no idea. I strained to be in tune with myself, with the baby, but I received nothing.

I turned to my kids, who have been surprisingly accurate in making predictions about their siblings, and we've got mixed reactions there, too. Li'l ~j. says boy. Curly says girl. Superstar says a girl whose name is Bubby.

Paying attention to my body, all signs point to girl. With my pregnancies, I lose weight for at least the first half of the pregnancy; with boys I carry straight out and feel and look great. With girls I am all-over frumpy and dumpy, which applies here.

My guilt comes from an experience I had a few weeks ago. In the middle of the night (yes, when I got up to use the bathroom) I reconciled the fact that I want this to be a boy. If for no other reason than that I want Bubby to have a little brother to be buddies with. I have not really talked about this because I don't want the superficiality that comes along with such a statement. Of course either gender will be wonderful. But having grown up as a girl who always felt second-rate due mainly to her gender (this feeling, thankfully, no longer applies), I have not dared say out loud that I hope for a boy in the case that it's a girl and she ever finds out I thought so.

Also, fyi, during the ultrasound I was getting very strong vibes -- not creating them, but I can't deny that they were there -- of the boy variety.

Last point: It is what it is and none of the above will change it. I'll add to this post later.


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Good morning. Sorry it's taken me a few days -- I was busy trying to desperately catch up on sleep, dodge a flu-thing (success!), and learn how to play Guitar Hero. You know, all the important things in life.

As for the results: well, in the Catholic/LDS tradition, Christmas just wouldn't be Christmas without feeling guilt, now would it? Anyone need any once-used boy clothes?